The truth, and nothing but the truth
by ZairaAlbereo
Summary: End of PoA. Everything turned out perfectly. Peter got caught. And after having told his story, Sirius is about to become a free man. Only there are some undesirable side effects. Just a silly little crack!fic.


**A/N:** This is what I come up with on my lunch breaks...

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**The truth, and nothing but the truth...**

_a crack!shot by ZairaAlbereo_

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''Okay. So that's how it was?''

The Minister looked at the rough looking man who lounged in the chair before him. The man made an attempt at straightening himself in the plush armchair, and put on a serious face.

''Yes.'' He nodded. ''Truly. Honestly. Cross my heart.'' And that's just what he did.

''Alright.'' The Minister said, happy to round the whole unpleasant episode up. ''Then that's settled. Would you like a pardon or a trial to prove your innocence?''

''Oh, don't be so ceremonious,'' the man said with a wave of his hand. ''Just take of these shackles, transfer a few thousand gallons to my Gringotts vault and send me the paperwork when you're done with it.'' He scrunched his nose up thoughtfully for a moment. ''Oh, and maybe you could throw an Order of Merlin in, don't you think?''

The Minister coughed a little, but hurried to accommodate the man. ''Of course, of course. First class.''

''Well, jolly, that rounds it up nicely then!'' Sirius Black , free of his shackles, stood up and stretched a little. Before he turned to the third person in the room. ''Just send Harry along when the holidays start, will you?'' he told the silver-haired headmaster who had remained silent so far, but inclined his head now. ''Perfect!'' Black grinned. ''I will go looking for Remus, I haven't had a decent shag in twelve years!''

There was a cough and a splutter.

''I beg you pardon?'' the Minister quaked.

''Oh, yeah.'' Black nodded gravely. ''You know, Azkaban and all that... it's not like there is a dating scene!'' He pursed his lips. ''Well none you would want to consider. I mean Bella _is _my cousin. And crazy. Though some might like that. But, honestly, those Dementors?'' Sirius faked a shuddered. ''Really suck out all your good wanking fantasies!''

''W-wa...''

''And it's freaking freezing!'' The man was on a roll now. ''My balls went all blue! And I can't really remember what my little Sirius looks like under normal conditions. Mind you,'' He shook his finger at the Minister. ''It's not so little normally! I mean, I always had at least an inch on James! Okay, so Remus might have won that contest... I mean, he is _hung_! Merlin's great pants! But then again, he is a werewolf so that would be-''

The Minister's eyes went wide and he shot an outraged look at the headmaster, who shook his head, one hand over his eyes.

''... Huh?'' Black frowned. ''Oh, you didn't know, Minister? Yes, yes, Remus turns into a _beast_ once a month! I tell you, I could hardly save myself! I mean back, when we were still in school, my backside would hurt a lot longer than Remus spend in the hospital wing!'' At that Black turned to the older wizard. ''That reminds me, Albus, are you still doing Poppy? You know, you could really have given her a less obvious nickname!'' He chuckled. ''And you might advice her, that werewolves have a bit more resistance to sleeping draughts than most students. Shagging them does help, though. After three rounds Remus would normally be out cold, but I guess that would be unprofessional... for Poppy I mean, and then Remus _is _gay after all.'' Sirius rolled his eyes as if that was obvious. ''But then,'' he went on, ''not all werewolves are, I can assure you! I mean from what I've heard on the grapevine, Fenrir is far more into women! Did half of the Wizengamot, or so he says. No wonder they let him off the first time!'' He frowned, then shrugged. ''The second time it was probably a male majority.'' A grin spread over his face. ''Not that I would blame them! You haven't had sex before you had a werewolf do you, believe me, you should try it sometime! They have the animal instinct! Of course you might not want to do it while he or she is in their wolf form, you know with the curse and all... but that's the advantage of being an Animagus, eh?'' He whipped on the balls of his feet, looking smug. ''I mean why do you think I became a dog in the first place? I can tell you, when you think Remus is hung as a human you should see him...''

''Silencio!'' a rough voice rasped, and the Minister was spared anymore information about the current Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher. Sirius' lips kept moving but his voice was gone.

The Minister gave a shuddering sigh of relief, before he nervously cleared his voice. ''Ah, well... that was... informative,'' he said, trying not to meet the headmaster's eyes.

''Yes,'' Dumbledore said calmly. ''A little more informative than I would have preferred.''

His eyes darted into the far corner of his office, where a tall man stood like a shadow.

Severus Snape raised one thin eyebrow. ''I told you, Headmaster, that Veritaserum might not be such a good idea after all.''

THE END

_...but if you want to know... Yes! They all lived happily ever after. Sirius got to raise Harry AND to shag Remus. Albus thought of a better nickname for his school nurse, who practiced the Muffliato Spell. And, curiously enough, the Minister was far more frequently visiting Azkaban just to make sure that everything was as it should be. If there were any strange whispers on the grapevine, I'm sure they weren't... true. _

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**And that was that. **

**Well, what do you know? And I thought I would NEVER use Veritaserum in a fic of mine... :D **


End file.
